I’m struggling to deal with the thoughts and feelings I’m having today, both in response to the numerous tragedies and wrongful deaths that have occurred across the nation in the last 48ish hours, and in response to the responses I have seen to all of them. For all my bravery in speaking truth despite consequences over the past couple of years, I find myself looking over a precipice that I don’t think I’m willing to cross. Not yet, anyway. There’s too much, of too much value to me, that I might lose if I did.
Even as I hear the masses applaud me from the background for keeping up this genteel facade, I am shocked by myself and filled with self-loathing. We can be better, or so I say, but now *I* am the one who knows what is right and does nothing. I am acutely aware that this means I am participating in the very evil which I claim to despise. The self-loathing grows, and yet, I find myself not ready for the martyrdom that would result. This cowardice is new to me. And so I learn just a little bit more about who I really am. Yes, I too am a hypocrite. Welcome to the human race, Jason.
In the Old Testament stories of prophets, or those who were said to speak for Yahweh, they over and over again were commanded to speak truth in the face of dire consequences. They were often afraid, and sometimes rejected their “calling” and tried to run away. But in the stories, Yahweh always got his man – by supernatural interference, if necessary. I have identified with these characters all of my life (and still do, despite the fact that I no longer believe the stories to be true). I have always seen myself as a person who shines light in dark places, and have been willing to face the consequences.
Not today though. Not today.
May my great-great grandchildren forgive me for my weakness. I’m sorry. The cost is just too high.